


Dear Loki

by skyunicorn



Category: Dear Sugar - Cheryl Strayed, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Advice Column, Alternate Universe, Bad Advice, Blogging, Epistolary, Gen, Relationship Advice, Writer Loki (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyunicorn/pseuds/skyunicorn
Summary: An AU where Loki writes a Bad Advice column in the Stark Times.WIP (Nanowrimo) May lead to a love story, we'll see.Comments added as part of story.





	1. Question Submission

A Bad Advice Column

Have you polled your friends and been given an answer you didn’t like? Do you know in your heart what you want to do, but only need to be given the push toward personal happiness? Are you tired of being told to take the high road?

Loki is here to help. 

It’s not the advice you’re used to getting. No cuddly hand holding here. Also not really tough love. Just acknowledgment your own selfish desires and embracing them.

All questions are subject to being published in the weekly column in the Stark Times. If you are submitting anonymously, a few answers will be placed onto the daily blog as well. Please refrain from putting too much identifying information, as this could result in your question not being answered. Or worse, it could result in your question being answered in the weekly column in the Stark Times.

If you are not submitting anonymously, due to the influx of questions, another staff member may be answering your question privately. These responses are faster and questions more likely to be answered. All answers are reviewed and approved by Loki before replies are sent. Any public posts not answered by Loki will be noted as such.

Quick Answers  
I’m no longer taking certain questions. Please see below. You know in your heart if your question applies to the below answers. If after several weeks you do not see your question, or receive a private reply. See below.

* Yes, dump them in a text message.  
* They haven’t taken your suggestion for couples therapy for two years. STOP. Find someone who will.  
* Take the money. There isn’t a contract. They can only hold emotional power over you. Don’t give it to them.  
* You already took the money. See above.  
* Yes, they are probably using you for your money.  
* Ask them out. If it goes poorly make new friends you don’t want to fuck.  
* They’re married. You both want to fuck and you don’t really care if it lasts or what happens to this person. Fuck.  
* They’re married. You will hate yourself if you fuck them or you think they will leave their spouse. Don’t Fuck.  
* No. You do know which of the above you are.  
* Take the job. Or stop applying for jobs you don’t really want.  
* Yes. Dump. Them.

Please submit your questions below


	2. Stark Times Sunday Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November 5th

_Dear Loki,_

_My friend and companion for decades has asked me to join he and his wife on a date. Not as a friend. I love them both dearly. My heart wants to embrace them both. The work I do together with him is dangerous. I’m afraid I will become emotionally compromised and bring danger to them both. I have not crossed this line with either of them and I am worried what lies on the other side._

_—Third Rail_

My Sweet Third Rail,

It has been a while since a romantic question has crossed my desk. Bless my staff which filter down the boring tales of drunken texting and spite filled marriages.

The third rail is often used by politicians to denote untouchable or dangerous issues. You clearly think joining this relationship is something to fear. When in the wrong hands, the third rail can result in death if touched. People forget that the third rail is what drives the trains beneath our city. 

You have already become compromised. Fearing formalizing feelings is for cowards. You are strong. Leap into this.

\---

_Dear Loki,_

_My son has been involved with a boy at school. I have recently found out that this boy has been one of my professional rivals for some time now. While a tiny part of me is proud that my son has found someone of such talent, this does not quash my desire to crush this boy and send him into professional ruin._

_I think it would be to my advantage to tell my son of this boy's moonlighting. My hope is that the secret would drive a wedge between the two of them. A distraction like this could help me take down this boy. Am I wrong to use my son’s relationship in this way? I think I am just speeding up a process the boy set into motion himself._

_—Chief Strategy Officer_

Caution Dear CSO,

Please keep in mind that lovers do share secrets. You may think these two have a lie between them, but in fact they themselves are plotting against you. 

If you are quite sure he is unaware of moonlighting, press him for information on how he would feel about someone keeping secrets. What would he do if his own parent were keeping a secret from him?

If this would not affect your son now, perhaps it is time to drive up the boy’s emotions by professionally forcing him to work more to keep up. This will not only be good for your business, but it will put a strain on your son’s relationship. He will wonder what the boy is doing working late all the time.

With situations like this it is important to determine what will personally bring that individual to ruin. Some relationships are hardier than others. 

What you have is potentially good ammo, have patience and use it wisely.

 

\---

_Dear Loki,_

_I am an astrophysics post graduate student. I’m looking at $200,000 dollars in student loans to pay back. I’m extremely fortunate to have multiple job offers. The position I have been offered at the university I most love, will pay only enough to get by on. An agency has offered me a job that will make paying back my student loans child’s play. It will be a big paycheck, but unexciting work._

_I want both. A big paycheck and excitement._

_I just broke up with a boyfriend, and may not be in the best of mind to make these decisions. I’m hoping you can jostle my brain out of this rut._

_—Space Case_

Dearest Space Case,

Do you really think some agency is going to give you a big paycheck for a boring lab job? That job is probably more exciting than they are letting on. Or at least, you can pocket the money and run to the next job if not. Or don’t take either job. If all you were really looking for was a paycheck and excitement, rob a bank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Stark Times does not endorse any illegal activity. Advice given is meant to be satirical and entertaining. The Stark Times is not responsible for any reader’s activities.


	3. Dinner with the Owner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from the Diary of Pepper Potts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November 5th

“Satirical?” Loki Laufeyson brought the full paper into the 5 star restaurant. Coupons for chicken broth and tooth paste littered the table between the two glasses of wine.

“Rob a bank?” Tony Stark picked up his glass and maintained eye contact with the furious writer in front of him. He was a professional at this point in dealing with angry writers. The type of people who worked for papers were the type of people who wanted to be heard. Tony did not say anything else, but drained his wine glass in a short number of gulps while his advice columnist went on about the importance of his work, being honest to yourself, and the pile of thank you letters from readers who buy the paper.

I had told Tony this was coming. As his editor, I should have been allowed to let the man know ahead of time that the warning at the bottom of his column was being edited.

“And we already have the whole blurb for liability!” Loki ripped out the aforementioned warning statement and placed it on Tony’s plate. Then, finally, the man sat and picked up his wine glass. 

The table beside them were openly staring. Tony shrugged while giving them a one thousand watt smile. 

“Writers.” He chuckled. They gave nervous laughs and other tables started up their conversation once again while Loki wetted his throat and glared at Tony. 

The owner of the Stark Times signaled for another bottle while filling up both of their glasses. It was going to be one of those meetings. I knew that look. Loki would get over this. This could be fixed. Perhaps in the fix Tony could get a bonus.

“Don’t you have a book you should be working on?” Tony looked down at the scrap of paper on his plate. He didn’t need to see the other man to know the writer had tensed up his shoulders and crossed his arms in front of him. Now that he was on the defense it was time for Tony to strike. “I do have one little thing that could get that pesky word removed.”

“No.” Green eyes were glaring at him, but the fury had abated. Loki put out his wine glass to be refilled. I picked up the bottle and refilled it.

“You haven’t even heard the request.” Tony faked great offense at Loki’s dismissal. It was expected, his request had been met with rebuke for the past month.

“No. I’m not publishing it.” Loki swirled the wine around in his glass. He said ‘No’, but Stark heard a distinct undertone of ‘Maybe’. This was as good a chance as he was going to get.

“Technically, I am publishing it.” Tony smirked. His dining companion rolled his eyes and scoffed. Our Sunday dinners were usually like this. Just the three of us. Others came and went. Usually, we had to dine alone because no one else could stand the banter. They both had sharp tongues and were always trying to get the last word. That quality was to both their professional benefit, but made for lonely Sunday evenings. I stopped bringing other people along.

Loki gave me a questioning look. “Pepper?"

“I’m not helping either of you.” I poured the rest of the bottle into my glass.

“I rarely post romance advice anymore.” That was the truth. In the early days, Loki’s column had basically been a ‘fuck everyone’ column. Literal and figurative use of the word. Now the writer seemed bored with it. Tony suspected it had something to do with his not getting laid. I thought it had more to do with the book.

“You did today!” He prodded the paper, pointing at the first section of advice from today.

“Precisely. If I had another one immediately after, we’ll get flooded with questions asking me for permission to fuck people. We’re already getting them.” Loki folded the paper and tucked the scraps away into his bag. Only the warning on Tony’s plate was left.

“It was a hot question” Tony gave the man a conspiratorial wink.

“Ugh.” We both sneered at him.

"It was romantic and full of longing. I wish they had sent it privately and I could have sent them pages of reassurance and followed up later to see how things had worked out.” The man’s shoulders slumped. He betrayed himself. Loki Laufeyson: Cut throat advice columnist, hedonist, mischief maker, and hopeless romantic.

“That could be me.” Tony tried his hand at a longing sigh.

“I am not helping you get into the pants of some gym rat.”

“Not any gym rat.” Tony pointed an accusing finger at his writer. "That is a terrible description of the man. He is the finest man I have ever met. Kind and strong. At the Brooklyn location he teaches a self defense class for free on Thursdays. He is super nice and every one of his students is in love with him. Also, he coaches a T-ball team. He could bench press me."

“When did you move to the Brooklyn gym? That’s a long way to go to workout.” Loki’s eyes widened. We exchanged a quick glance. “You are following him.”

“He told me that it was a better gym.” I could tell Tony was working down the butterflies at remembering that locker room conversation. He had called me on the car ride back to his place and begged me to modify his gym membership. The new commute took up most of his evening, but he was getting really good at doing most of his work in the car. He was also out of my hair in the evenings. The travel was also doing wonders for his creativity in new Raspberry Pi builds to keep him working without having to resort to boring laptops folks like myself use.

“I don’t answer friends' letters.” Loki countered. Tony had him. He may have been forced to show a bit too much about himself in the process.

“I’m pretty sure you just told your ex-sister-almost-in-law to rob a bank.” The new bottle of wine arrived.

“Ex-sister-almost-in-adoption.” Loki filled both our glasses. "She should."

“One published letter and I will remove that pesky word.”

Our first course arrived and the sound of utensils scraping plates marked the silence. Tony reassured the waiter we were all fine as their dishes were cleared. 

As Loki finished yet another glass, I made a note arrange a ride home. Loki was drinking more than usual and had trouble spending the money he earned on car rides. It was a long walk back to Loki's apartment. Tony and I had made it several times. It was shorter than the walk back to mine and had fewer photographers than Tony's.

“I will reply with an honest answer, you realize?” Loki held Tony’s gaze. He was giving Tony a warning. An opportunity to spare his feelings. I could tell it made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“I wouldn’t expect any less.” Tony clinked their glasses together. “Cheers."


End file.
